Whenever we need to communicate something sensitive, something that might challenge another person or cause them to be defensive, there is a higher likelihood of a negative outcome that could permanently alter the relationship. The delicacy of handling these types of conversations is just as important for professional conversations as it is for personal ones. And conversations that impact a customer’s financial situation, like an expensive repair, or their ability to live their normal routine, like having their vehicle service take several days, can generate very strong reactions. Research has shown that 47% of people will share positive reviews and/or experience, while a striking 95% will share negative reviews and/or experience. Even brief interactions can completely change a person’s feelings towards you or your business.
Here are a few basic skills that you can use to help others feel safe within a conversation, and to increase the chances for better dialogue and a better customer experience.
If we want to share something that others are likely to resist, like an expensive repair recommendation to a customer, it is much more effective to share the facts before we share any story, or our belief about what led to the situation. The fastest way to cause someone else to get defensive is to lead with your story about the facts, rather than the facts themselves. For example, simply stating the results of an alignment test and the need for an alignment service is better than asking or stating that it appears the vehicle has hit more than its share of potholes.
When all we share with someone is our conclusions, or the stories we tell ourselves based on our perspective or opinion, and people don’t know why we’ve drawn those conclusions, we run the risk of becoming the “villain” in their minds. Starting with facts is a nice way of inviting them on our own journey. It’s easier for people to follow us empathetically when we begin with the facts.
People are rarely offended by plain and simple facts. They may not be proud of the facts, like if they did something that embarrasses them, but when they are told in the simplest fashion, people are less inclined to refute them or get defensive about them. However, the same is not true regarding our stories. Our least effective stories are typically made up of unattractive judgments (deciding if the facts are good or bad), conclusions (determining what the facts mean), or attributing motive to someone’s actions (calling them a bad driver, inept, dumb, or careless). If we ever share these, it’s natural for people to feel hurt or insulted.
When we start by sharing feelings or stories, others often don’t understand what we’re talking about. For example, you start a conversation with a friend by telling them your story, “I can’t trust you” or maybe you start with your feelings, “I’m really upset with you.” Even if you planned on telling them any facts you have that led you to these stories, starting this way often makes it impossible to actually get to those facts. When we start with Story, it’s quite natural for people to feel caught off guard and defensive when they’re being accused of something, in large part because they probably have a very different story that they’re telling themselves about what led to their actions.
When you start with Stories that are told as if they are a Fact, you usually end up arguing about whose story is most correct in a downward spiral of dysfunction. When this happens, facts often cease to matter.
It is our thoughts and stories that we tell ourselves (consciously or unconsciously) that create our emotions, which in turn drive our actions and results. If we want different results, we need to get back to the root, we need to understand our stories. This is one of the most important things to comprehend when cultivating any relationship, whether it is with our partner, parents, friends or coworkers. Dr. John Gottman is able to predict the likelihood of divorce with 90% accuracy just by listening to the kinds of stories couples tell and whether they fall into these types of categories.
The problem is that in the personal and professional relationships that matter most to us (because our ego-based need for validation is high), our emotions kick in and we tend to do our worst. We go to “fight or flight.” And then, to make it worse, afterwards we tell ourselves stories to help us feel good about whatever dysfunctional actions we just took. Which is why, if we don’t learn how to master our stories, they will master us. We must learn to humanize people. Doing so helps us get out of our black and white thinking, soften our labels, and develop empathy and maybe even compassion.
Starting with and agreeing upon the facts, removing personal emotions from the current circumstances, can provide a base level of composure to your conversation, and an effective starting point from which to move towards a better conclusion. Your customer will likely tell themselves their own story based not only on their driving behavior, but also based on the direction you take in any conversation surrounding their behavior. Focusing simply on the needs of the vehicle to restore it to its optimal state of performance and safety will greatly improve the chance that the story your customer tells about you and your business is more positive.
For more information contact our customer success team at (801) 492-9900 or email us at info@autonettv.com.
